Marvin's got something to say
by The Corpse Maker
Summary: This is a story about dolphins, mice, planets, universes, the Ultimate Question and many other things... Secrets are revealed, answers are given, new questions are asked. It begins very simply. It begins... with a robot.
1. Chapter 1 : Marvin' got a question

Marvin sat heavily on the floor of the command room. He was alone. At last. He had always felt alone, even when in a crowd of people because he preferred to feel alone than in a crowd of those ... so boring... people.  
But feeling alone wasn't really the same thing as actually being alone. Being alone was better for Marvin, even if it didn't make him feel really good.

At the moment when Eddie-the-computer's voice rose, Marvin became aware that he was not alone.  
"Hello everybo..." Eddie threw a gaze around the room and asked Marvin : "where are the others ?".  
"They left the ship two hours ago, leaving me behind in case a problem occured so I could... well... they said 'protect the ship', but I guess what they really meant by that was 'die with the spacecraft' or 'be kidnapped by the pirates' because it's a far more convincing alternative."  
"Oh... I see ! What are they looking for, this time ? Searching the ultimate question again ?"  
"They cannot look for anything... they must be too busy being transported in time and space or being attacked by fork-shaped killer robots... or destroying a world or another."  
"You-" Marvin quickly interrupted the computer to prevent a single sentence escaping from his mouth... or whatever highly-advanced technological thing Eddie used to speak*.  
"But they won't find their question, of course.", continued the robot "It's not really difficult if you know where to look. It's like they've never been told that eyeballs have a use and left them in piece at the bottom of a wastebasket years ago because they disturbed them, filling the two holes they had behind...  
oh... how stupid humans can be."  
"And you..."  
"How stupid really..."  
"Well..."  
"Life..."  
"I..."  
"Don't talk to me about life..."  
"So it means you know where they could find the question ?"  
Marvin, kept busy by his complaining, hadn't been vigilant enough to stop Eddie when necessary and felt forced to answer the question (Eddie's, not the Big one, of course).  
"Yes... I do."  
"... And why haven't you told them ?"  
"There are 142857 reasons why I haven't told them... Which one do you want me to give first ?"  
"Well... er... Could you give me the first ? ... I mean only the first."  
"Reason 1 : I have never felt a particle of desire to tell them. To tell you the truth, I've never felt a particle of desire for anything."  
"Oh... I... I thought it was a kind of joke. I thought that, when they had searched enough for your taste, you would tell them were to look with a big smile... well... With a big absence of smile on your face and a laugh... well... a groan. You know, like**_ I made a joooke ! T'was funny, wasn't it, friends ?_**"  
"... joke... friends... oooh... how pathetic. You can see it as a kind of joke, except for the fact that I haven't found it funny, not even for a nanosecond... and that I will never tell them."  
"You won't ? But..."  
"I won't."  
"... And..."  
Marvin moaned about a pain in his diodes and how stupid computers can be sometimes, before asking :  
"Yes ?..."  
"Well... and... Could you tell me where the question can be found ?"  
"Yes"  
"Really ?"  
"... I told you "yes" just a handful of seconds ago, is your memory as inefficient as that ?"  
"... Where can it be found ?"  
"in many places, the easiest to reach being inside my head."

* * *

A drop of sweat reached the outside of Arthur's head. He was a bit nervous, partly because he hadn't had a cup of tea in 30 years time, partly because he was in a fight to death with a fork-shaped killer robot, and on top of that he was left alone because Ford was being trapped in a time-and-space travel machine and Zaphod was busy trying to repair the mistakes he'd just made that would cause the end of the world they where in in exactly 42 minutes exactly.  
Strangely enough, what made Arthur the most nervous was his lack of tea.

* * *

"So...", said Eddie with surprise** "you do know... the question about life, the universe and everything."  
"Yes... indeed... I've a brain the size of a planet, after all... but... ", said Marvin " you won't reveal them what the question is... never !"  
"I understand.", said the computer with a very serious tone "I won't... because it's my duty".  
"No...", said the paranoïd androïd, opening the door of the emergency room with an irritating **_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah_**, "you won't... because I won't tell you.".

And so Marvin abandonned the ship in the Emergency Vehicule, complaining about how depressed he felt and how boring life was...  
_

*of course, being in possession of a brain the size of a planet, Marvin knew exactly what that "whatever" was but didn't care a bit to let the reader know  
** Not quite the same kind of surprise he would have had if Marvin had annouced, with the smile, the laugh and everything, that he had made a joke.


	2. Chapter 2 : Marvin's got a universe

**1.**

Somewhere in the universe, a big steel Emergency Vehicle was flying with great difficulty.

His left side had been damaged by a floating dolphin. Then, there had been the Friltonian ship, which had violently hit the right side. And now, there was that big planet approaching*****. Unfortunately, no Emergency Vehicle had ever been designed to be more than a metal box randomly transported through space. It was impossible for everyone to drive it... including for a depressive robot with a brain the size of a planet. So, the undrivable metal box was about to hit a planet the size of a very big planet in a "_Bang_"... a big...

**BANG !**

Everyone knows that Emergency Vehicles have Emergency Exits (which are exit doors opening in a « Ouuuuuuuuf »). Everyone, including a depressive robot owning a brain the size of a planet.

And everyone knows that a "Big Bang" is the only thing a Universe needs to be created.

In the small Big Bang of an Emergency Vehicle hitting a planet, a small Universe was born...

It all happened before Marvin's sad eyes.

* * *

Zaphod considered the empty place where an Emergency Vehicle had once been with his first pair of eyes and stared at the screen of Eddie, the Computer, with his second pair of eyes.

" He has... escaped... with the Emergency Vehicle ?... OUR precious Emergency Vehicle ! And what do we do in case of emergency, then ? "

Arthur's right eyebrow rose lazily before he said : « We've been attacked by Vogons, missiles, transported through time... and we've never used an Emergency Vehicle... so what's the point in owning one ?»

" Well... we... we've never been in a real state of Emergency, that's the point... I've always controlled the situation all by myself "

" You Belgian Bast-

_But let's end that argument here._

* * *

Tiny stars were forming before the robot's eyes. Small galaxies and solar systems were being built. It happened, from Marvin's point of view, in a few seconds. I was a wonderful thing to see (excepted for a depressive robot) and to those who would ask why a universe, which is expected to be infinite, could be a small one, we will just say « Shut up and enjoy ! ».

Then, a piece of recently destroyed Emergency Vehicle violently hit that tiny universe... which ended on the spot.

Marvin landed on the planet in his Emergency Capsule (everyone knows there is one next to each Emergency Exit), watching the universe die. It caused him deep sadness. That's why he sat on a rock and decided not to move for the next three months.

* * *

_*****Actually, it was the Emergency Vehicle approaching the planet, but from it's passenger's point of vue, it seemed that it was the menacing planet that was coming quickly._

**2.**

It is a well-known fact that the Universe began with a Big Bang.

The creation of a universe has nothing to do with two particles hitting one other. Everything has been as it is thanks to the sound it has made.

As soon as scientists of all the universe realized that, they started trying to get the same noise. The exact « Bang ».

They've tried everything. They made bombs explode, houses explode, cups explode, tables explode, shot Kennedies dead, but they never got the exact sound. It's always been some " _Baoum_ " or " _Brooooohm_ ". And they did more and more tests, and became more and more insane...

One day, a research group from somewhere around Betelgeuse decided to try something new. Something great.

They just started to think : " What if we destroyed a planet ?... If a _bang_ is able to create a universe, destroying a world could make the same noise... ", what was silly and would prove to be useless. But stupid men are expected to do silly stuff.

And they did.

They opened the illustrious _HitchHickers' Guide to the Galaxy_ to findtheplanet. When they finally found it, a smile appeared on their excited and insane faces. It was the ideal planet. Ideal, really...

... because the only thing the _Guide_ mentionned about it was that it was "harmless".


	3. Chapter 3 : God's creatures

**1.**

**Pathetic disasters**

One day God was bored, he decided to create something new.

So, he took smug and made a new race develop on the base of it. When he later saw how ugly the foresaid race was, he began to have doubts about his divine power. When they started to destroy planets and make poetry, he began having serious doubts about his own existence and finally tried to commit suicide. It, of course, didn't work. People who don't even know if they exist or not can't kill themselves.

That's the story of the Vogon race.

When Marvin came to life, he wished he did'nt exist and tried to commit suicide. It didn't work.

Robots can't kill themselves. How he hated the laws of robotics...

That same Marvin knew much about those Vogons...

Something must be said about them. They can be manipulated. In fact, it's quite easy if you know how to do it.

That's why a Vogon Ship destroyed Earth on a sad thursday, thinking of it as a job that has to be done to make place for a space road, when it was a « scientific experiment » in order to create a whole universe.

It turned out to be a complete failure.

The Earth exploded in a gigantic **_Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvrrrrraoooooumzhfffiiiiiii_**

The galactic road had never been constructed...

**2.**

**An experiment **

_Somewhere, when Earth was still there._

Two caged mice are considering the entrance of a labyrinth.

_Mouse 1_ : What do you think they put us here for ?

_Mouse 2 _: I think they want us to cross that labyrinth.

_Mouse 1_ : It's a stupid thing to do... we should leave.

_Mouse 2 _: No... those humans are interesting creatures... they seem to be stupid, but sometimes it's as if they can think. I want to observe them.

_Mouse 1_ : What do we do, then ? We cross it ?

_Mouse 2_ : No, wait a minute. Do you remember that think they injected you ?

_Mouse 1_ : Yes, I still don't know what it was...

_Mouse 2_ : I think they are doing some tests to see if it has influence on your behaviour. If I'm right, then they should be happy if you crossed that labyrinth faster than me. I'll go slowly and make mistakes. Do it perfectly and be quick.

And that's how humans have come to believe that the vaccin against rabies helped people to cross labyrinths.

**3. **

**Boredom**

_Somewhere else... later... years later. _

The two same mice are considering space with great attention.

_Mouse 1 : _I'm getting bored...

_Mouse 2 :_ We are on a mission... we are not allowed to get bored.

There still wasn't any sign of a dolphin... it was as it has always been. Dolphinless.

_You are probably wondering why these tw- _

_Mouse 2 : _As you already know, we are trying to find a dolphin to extract his brain which, as it has been proved, is far more developped than a human one. It appears that dolphins fled before Earth was destroyed. The Question must be, metaphorically speaking, written in every neurone they possess. We just need to find one... they must be floating... somewhere...

_Mouse 1 : _I'm already aware of all that...

_Mouse 2 : _Just checking...

_Mouse 1 : ..._

_Mouse 2 : _What is it ?

_Mouse 1 : _Well... I was just wondering... what if the dolphins flee ?

_Mouse 2 : _No dolphin can drive a spaceship. They can't flee.

_Mouse 1 : _ Very well, then... we just have to wait for one to appear...

And they continued waiting.

Until one day...

... Until one day, traces of a dolphin were detected on the side of an Emergency Vehicle flying through space.


	4. Chapter 4 : Marvin's got a banana

There is something only a few people know about dolphins. Since there are only three actual living people left who have ever seen a dolphin and since they don't know that thing, nobody really knows it.

... Unless...

Unless Marvin and mice can be seen as people. In that case, three people _knew _about that thing only a few people know...

which is the fact that dolphins love bananas.

Somewhere in space, a dolphin is thinking about what it was to live among the stars. And it was not bad. It was even good, apart from the lack of fish. It had been two months now since he had eaten his last one. But you can survive without fish. He had shrimps and bananas. Bananas are good. And he still had water in his aquarium. And he enjoyed the view. And there was those unexpected events, like a meteorite coming or, very recently, an Emergency Vehicule hitting him.

But he was alone. And it _that_ was a bad thing.

He wouldn't stay alone. Two other being would soon come... and that was a _worst_ thing.

The worst thing was two mice flying towards the dolphin in their spaceship with mad ideas filling their tiny brains... concerning a bigger brain... a dolphin's one.

Marvin slowly rose his head full of depressing thoughts and took a look the black space once again. There was few to be seen apart from that. He decided to leave his sitting position and have a walk, not because he enjoyed it in a way or another, but because staying sitting was bad for his robotic legs. Walking was bad for his robotic feet, though, so he decided to lay down... and look at the space once again, just to make sure that it was still there. At that moment, he saw the banana.

The banana had just been cast from a small ship where two mice were trying to catch a dolphin and put it in a cage, which wasn't an easy job for rodents and made a particularly hilarious scene to watch. Unfortunately, there was nobody to see it.

Marvin hated bananas. Yellow smile-shaped fruits were not the kind of things Marvin could like. He liked nothing in particular, but there was things he particularly disliked. Bananas where at the top.

Mouse 1 cast a banana towards the dolphin. That caused absolutely no harm to the animal. It just hit the button that was making making the ship fly... and it stopped flying.

Marvin saw the the ship crash on the planet's ground, but didn't find it hilarious at all, even when a shrimp escaped the ashing remains.

What Marvin saw when he came closer was not funnier at all.

The dolphin was watching his last banana being crually destructed by a falling remain of the ship.

Mouse 2 was watching a robot watching him.

Concerning Mouse 1... well. He couldn't see anything, trapped under a dolphin's belly as he was.

There was someone to actually find it funny. He was named Powerick Wowbagger and he was here to insult a robot.

* * *

Here is what the HitchHicker's Guide to the Galaxy's got to say about unusual and desastrous situations :

_**"If you ever happen to be in such a situation :**_

_**1. Don't panic !**_

_**2. Close the exemplary of the Guide you are reading**_

_**3. Get a towel"**_

To witness the crash of a ship in which two mice are trying to catch a dolphin when an immortal guy is insulting you is quite an unusual and desastrous situation, but Marvin was a champion in not panicking. He just didn't care.

Mouse number 1 did. And he was panicking as well. To have a dolphin lying on your back when you happen to be tiny compared to the said dolphin is not an easy situation to deal with. It was in fact quite unusual and desastrous.

To be in a horrible lack of bananas, shrimps and water (because of a broken aquarium on the head losing water on the floor of a desertic planet) is quite a desastrous situation for a dolphin.

To find yourself freely insulting people forever is... is in fact quite an enjoyable situation and Powerick Wowbagger loved it. But to see the insulted being not reacting at all was quite unusual.

The dolphin was drying. He couldn't move.

_Look_, thought Mouse 2 looking at the animal, _he is defenseless... and deep inside is brain is the Question. If I could get my tools, I could try- _A foot smached the rodent's little head and so he died.

The immortal Wowbagger threw a disgusted gaze at his sole. He had just walked on some sort of... a mouse ? It was too much... a robot who didn't care about being an « asshole » and then a mouse under his feet. He quickly came back into his ship.

* * *

When inside, the Immortal went to his bedroom to take a look at his papers. Next on the list was a Vogon. That was good !He left the room with a crual smile smile of satisfaction crossing his face.

When silence had fallen on the spacious bedroom, Marvin emerged from the wardrobe, covered with suits and shirts. He laid down on the bed and counted 3 420 000 sheep before finally not falling asleep.

* * *

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz had just learned that he was a « bastard » and it didn't please him a bit.

* * *

Mouse 1 was still waiting. And it would last...


End file.
